All This Time
by horrifyingvelciraptor
Summary: All this time, Belarus' chasing of Russia has been to distract herself from her feelings for Estonia. He is her strength and yet also, her downfall. Can Estonia save Natalia from herself, her feelings, and he himself too? Human names used but not Human AU.
1. Try

December 2001  
Natalia sighed, shaking her platinum blonde fringe out of her eyes. The Soviet Union had disbanded ten years ago, after which her older sister packed up and went home to her own country, leaving Natalia, Ivan and the Baltics all alone in a far too big house. Although most of the rooms had never been lived in anyway, it seemed empty without Katyusha and her constant upbeat demeanor.

Natalia sighed again, Katyusha would be coming over later for dinner and a catch-up. Wear something pretty, Ivan had told her and she wasn't going to disappoint her Big Brother.

She searched through her closet, eventually coming out with a knee-length navy dress she hadn't worn for a long time. Her slender fingers stroked across the dark blue satin, a shadow of a smile ghosting across her lips. _I hope Big Brother likes it._ Natalia thought, smile becoming more opaque at the thought of her brother.  
The Belarusian girl left the dress on her bed for later, and went off in search of Ivan.

* * *

Eduard sighed, polishing the silverware and wishing little Raivis was made do his job, instead of shovelling the snow from the front path, _without a coat,_ as he'd talked back to Ivan at breakfast that morning. _Oh, Raivis, when will you learn to keep your mouth shut?_ Eduard thought to himself.

Eduard sighed again. Light footsteps were heard on the stairs and his crush's beautiful face appeared at the doorway of the cosy living room. "Have you seen Big Brother?"  
The blonde Estonian resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Natalia's desire to be with Ivan was pitiful, comparable to chasing after clouds, or sailing into the horizon. Composing himself, he answered, "Kitchen, last time I saw him." Natalia nodded in thanks and left. If the terrified "Ah, Natalia!" was anything to go by, she'd found him.

Feeling sorry for Ivan, yet at the same time dispising him as a shivering Raivis clattered the front door open, Eduard returned to his duties.

* * *

The mahogany grandfather clock in the downstairs hallway chimed five, alerting the occupants of the household that Katyusha would be there in half an hour.

Natalia stepped out of the shower and dried herself off as quickly as possible. Someone, likely Raivis, tried the door handle and found it locked. He scurried off down the hall.

Wrapping a bathrobe around her body, Natalia unlocked the door and closed it behind her before strolling down three doors to her bedroom. She pulled on plain underwear and stood drying her hair for a few minutes. She slipped the beautiful dress over her head and adjusted the material around her figure.

She brushed her hair and scraped her fringe back, pulling it into a sophisticated updo and securing it with about a hundred bobby pins and a hair elastic.

Natalia held a mascara wand in front of her left eye, looked at the intricately patterned ceiling and fluttered her lashes against the brush before doing the same to her right. She rubbed a small amount of strawberry lipgloss on her full lips and sprayed herself with the perfume Ivan had gotten her for her birthday a few years ago. Slipping her chunky criss-crossed black heeled sandals on, she checked her appearance one last time in the full length mirror on her bedroom wall, and left.

* * *

Eduard glanced nervously at the mahogany grandfather clock in the ground floor hallway. Ten minutes until Miss Katyusha arrived. There was a rush of movement and Natalia composedly jogged down the stairs, tripping over her own feet three steps before the bottom and Eduard dove to catch her.

She landed in his arms, unharmed, albeit shocked. Eduard set her gently onto her feet._ Jumal, _she looked twice as beautiful as usual. Her light blonde hair was pulled back into a bun making her look a few years older, closer to Ivan's age. The dark blue silky dress she was wearing matched her eyes, (Eduard was no fashion expert but he supposed you'd call it a scoop-neck, if such a thing existed) it rimmed around just under her collar bone, accentuated her curves and fell just below her knees, showing off well-built legs. Her beautiful face was nearly make-up free, a little mascara, he assumed, because her lashes were darker and thicker, and her lips were rosier shade of pink than usual.

"E-Eduard," Natalia stuttered. "I- uh - thank you."  
"Uh, n-no problem." Eduard smiled, watching her as she went to find Ivan, while he stood guard by the front door with Raivis.

* * *

The evening went without a hitch but after Katyusha left and Ivan was in the kitchen washing the dishes, which he'd insisted on doing, Natalia came in.  
"Hello Brother."  
"Oh hello Natalia. Lovely evening, da?"  
"Da."  
There were a few moments of silence.

"Big Brother?" the petite blonde asked.  
"Da?"  
"Marry. Me." she hissed, like it was an order to be followed.  
"No! Bloody hell Natalia, I thought we'd been over this! You're my sister, there is no way in hell I would ever consider marrying you!" Ivan yelled.  
"Fine! I'll just go and talk to my friends!" Natalia contered, before realising how pathetic her comeback sounded.  
"What friends?" Ivan roared after her as she flounced out of the kitchen.

* * *

Eduard found her half an hour later on the fifth step of the disused third floor staircase, sobbing into her hands. He approached quietly so as not to startle the distraught Belarusian.

"Natalia," he said gently, causing her to glance up at him and look back down again, embarrassed. "Hey, it's ok."  
"I was an idiot to ever think Big Brother would love me like that." she muttered, her thick accent creeping into her voice like it always did when she was upset.

"Natalia, you're not an idiot. He's the idiot if he doesn't want someone like you."  
"Oh, please," she laughed bitterly. "Someone like me? What makes me so great? And why do you care anyway, geek?"  
"It's nerd, actually, and I care because you're the sweetest, kindest and most caring girl I know." Eduard smiled.  
Natalia let out a genuine chuckle at the first part of his sentence, making the Estonian teen fall even more deeply in love with her. "Thanks."

"N'talia." Eduard mumbled. She met his blue eyes and they inched in, slowly closing the gap between them, their lips about to meet in a passionate and all-consuming kiss which woul-  
"Eduard." Toris said from the twenty eighth step on the second staircase, two down from the landing. "It's getting late."

Natalia started, and suddenly became fascinated by the green, black and blue diamond patterns on the dark red carpet, as a similiar hue crept across her cheeks.

"Ah, right, uh, thank you, Toris." Eduard said, shooting the Lithuanian a dark look. He nodded and went back the way he came.  
Ensuring Toris was out of sight, Eduard sighed and turned back to Natalia, who was now extremely interested in her hands. "I-" he began then tailed off, unsure of what to say.  
"I have to go." she answered, accent taking control of her shaking voice as she stood and walked away down the hall to her bedroom, not looking back at him even once.

* * *

Natalia felt numb as she closed her bedroom door, stripped off her dress and cleaned the smears of mascara from her cheeks. She climbed into bed, barely noticing the soft sheets brush against her bare skin.

Natalia pulled her pillow so that it slanted diagonally towards her, buried her face in it and cried until her head felt like it was being split open with a rusty crowbar and she passed out.

* * *

"Why would you do that? You know how much I love her! Do you still have a crush on her, Toris? Is that why, huh?" the normally calm Estonian was yelling at the brunette man in front of him. He didn't care if Russia heard, he didn't care who heard, he just wanted Toris to know how _angry_ he was.

"I don't have a crush on her-"  
"But you used to! You'd talk on about her for hours, how gorgeous she is, how her time would be better spent chasing after you, that you wish she loved you and-"  
"That is in the past, Estonia." Uh-oh. Toris only called him by his country's name if he was beyond pissed.  
"I only interrupted because I don't want Ivan to hurt you."  
"Oh, please, I can handle myself and he leaves me alone, because _I_ am smart enough to stay out of his wa-" Eduard was cut off by a hand connecting with his left cheek.  
It stung a little but it was mostly his pride that was hurt.

"Shut up and go to bed. I'd watch myself were I you." Toris said coldly, before turning on his heel and walking out, leaving Eduard to curse in Estonian, change, and fall asleep wishing Natalia felt the same way about him as he did her.


	2. Hurt

New Year's Day 2001

Natalia wiped away her tears for the fifth time that night. She had barely spoken to Eduard since they almost kissed a few weeks ago. Did he hate her?

* * *

A floor below her, Eduard sipped his coffee, thinking about Natalia, not listening to Ivan chatting away to Raivis and Toris. Was she angry with him?

There had been an awkward moment last week when they'd met on the first floor stairs and done that embarrassing side-step-into-their-way move twice and then he'd let her past, before calling her name. Natalia turned and gave him a wistful look, pain, confusion and longing visible in her indigo eyes. All the words he had been about to say lodged in his throat, choking him with guilt. She swallowed and continued on her journey with the air of a ghostly apparition, leaving Eduard rooted to the spot in shock, self-hatred coming over him in waves. How could he have hurt her like this?

"Eduard? Are you alright? You are looking like you are somewhere else, yes?" Raivis asked nervously, unsure of how the older boy would react. Eduard seemed different. He spaced out often, didn't talk much and seemed to search for extra tasks, as if he was trying to keep his mind off something.

"Hm? Yeah, 'm just thinkin'." the Estonian replied. He drained the bitter liquid from his mug, got up and placed it in the dishwasher. He went up to his room and sat thinking about the girl of his dreams, with whom he'd ruined everything.

* * *

Eleven o'clock did not come fast enough for Natalia.

Downstairs she could hear the laughter, the loud conversation as Ivan challenged Raivis to a drinking contest, despite the fact the Latvian teen was underage.

She glared at her reflection in the mirror, blue eyes empty and yet so full of pain, limp, greasy hair, the way the palor of her skin against her black underwear (she hadn't bothered to get dressed that morning) made the already obvious ribs and hipbones more prominent. "Vy mnie abrydli." she told the shell of a girl in the glass, who flinched and recoiled from her own words, imagining Eduard saying the same thing.

Natalia sighed and looked out her window into the dark grey street, illuminated only by the golden glow of the tall, old-fashioned streetlamps standing guard in the night  
There was the occasional entity, but most of the crowds were still at home waiting to ring in the new year.

2002\. A clean slate. A fresh start. Natalia could finally move on, be free.

She wouldn't let herself fall in love again.

She wouldn't want what she couldn't have.

She wouldn't think about _him._

About how he made her feel or about how smart and kind and funny he was or about how badly she had wanted that kiss but had been to stupid to take it.  
She wouldn't think about the way the morning sunlight fell on his golden hair, tinting it a lighter shade and casting one side of his handsome face into shadow, or how adorable his coffee addiction was or how perfect he looked lost in a book stretched out on the sofa beside the fire on a chilly evening.

Natalia's breath came out ragged as she ran a had across her face, smiling bitterly to herself.

_Eleven ten,_ her watch whispered as a curvy teenage girl with short hair who couldn't be older than Raivis, came into view with a boy whom Natalia thought _was _Raivis, but looked nothing like him when he moved into the light.  
Not-Raivis swallowed a few times and looked visibly nervous, hands shaking and not from the cold.  
Eventually, he said something which Natalia imagined to be similar to "Um, can I tell you something?". The girl nodded and they stopped.  
The boy's entire body was trembling as his lips formed those three precious words.  
The girl stood gaping slightly, before her plump red lips curved up into the most honest and loving smile Natalia had ever seen as she said it back, obviously meaning it with ever fibre of her being. He picked her up and twirled her round, giggling, and they walked off down the street.  
That's what Eduard did to her heart, he lifted it up, made it soar, no matter how bad her day had been.  
_No, we are not thinking about him, he hates you,_ Natalia scolded herself, tears pricking her eyes.

Eleven fifteen, announced the small timepiece gently as the sky swirled with clouds suggesting snow.  
Another young couple walked down the street, a pretty brunette girl and a tall blonde boy, each with an arm around the other's shoulder through their heavy winter coats, and her other hand on his chest, her red beanie slightly askew. The boy said something and the girl laughed, while he grinned as they walked out of sight.  
They reminded her of that one time she'd had a really bad day, and she was stressed beyond the point of unhealthy, so she'd called Eduard just for a boring chat, but he had sensed the tiredness in her voice and told her all the cheesiest, corniest, most awful jokes he could think of, the kind that are so bad they're good and she ended up laughing so hard, she nearly pissed herself.

_"Stop it." _she said aloud.

_He doesn't love you back, never has, never will. No one you love ever feels the same, Talia._ She only ever used Talia when she was trying to talk sense into herself.

_Natalia,_ said the excited yet quiet feminine voice of her watch in her head,_ it's thirty minutes til January_.  
Natalia smiled to herself as the snow started to come down, fascinated by its beauty.

She remembered an old story she heard from Japan, about a ghost of a beautiful woman that haunted the icy tundra.  
A young man and his father were caught in a blizzard and the ghost visited them as they tried to find shelter from the unrelenting storm.

The young man could only watch in horror as she turned his father to solid ice. She spared his life on the condition that he never told anybody about that day, and he agreed.

Many years later, after he had married and had children of his own, the young man, who was now a middle-aged man, was sitting with his wife and he told her about the ghost that turned his father to ice. When he had finished his story, his wife's face grew cold and grey.

_That Yuki-Onna was me and you have broken your promise,_ she hissed before vanishing into thin air.

Human movement caught Natalia's eye outside the window as a young woman wearing half-rimmed glasses, long blonde hair in pigtails, and a sky blue dress, hurried down the street. A man who looked a little like Francis, Ivan's teammate, ran after her. Natalia opened her window a little bit to hear what they were saying.

"Alice! Alice, wait, please!" he called.

"I'm not your little plaything you can just lose interest in and discard at any time, you know! I'm a human being with feelings, feelings for _you_, but if you're just going to flirt with every girl at the bar then that means nothing! This means nothing!" the girl screamed in an immistakable English accent, tearing from her finger and throwing on the snow-coated ground an engagment ring.

The man retrived the ring from the ground and looked towards Alice's retreating form. "Alice," he said as he caught her wrist and pulled her to his chest. "I'm sorry, alright? I truly am. Just... please don't leave me. I love you more than anything or anyone else in the world."

"Marc..." she said, before smiling and kissing him so passionately Natalia had to look away to stop herself from crying.  
When she looked back, Marc had slipped the ring back onto her finger during the kiss without Alice noticing, so she was giggling and calling him sneaky in the way that only couples can.

Ugh. Why were doing this to her?  
_You know why, Natalia, _the voice in her head smiled in a motherly way. _ Now go get 'em._

She didn't have time to shower. Hell, she didn't have time to do anything with her hair except brush it, pull it into a messy bun and sweep her fringe to the side. She threw on jeans, an old T-shirt and a hoodie, shoved her feet into her trainers and jogged down the stairs.

She speed-walked into the kitchen with renewed purpose, flicked the kettle on to boil with such force that she had to do it again gently and threw the suggested amount of cocoa powder into five mugs. The kettle boiled and she splashed water equally between them, added milk and marshmallows leftover from Christmas. "Here." she said once she had entered the living room, handing (read: thrusting) a mug to a tipsy Ivan, a near-passed out Raivis and a sober Toris.  
"Come with me." Natalia said to Eduard and the note of urgency in her voice and her eyes made him comply just that little bit faster.

* * *

Eduard followed her into the kitchen, jogging to keep up with her.  
She practically threw a mug of hot chocolate at him and unlocked the back door, slipping out with elegance that came naturally to Natalia.

They stood leaning against the wall, sipping their drinks in silence, neither quite sure what to say, with five minutes on the clock until January.

Eduard decided he might as well get some conversation from Natalia while he had the chance.

"You were avoiding me for a while there." he said gently.  
She looked upset. "I'm sorry."  
Eduard exhaled in a huff as his lips twitched upwards minutely then his eyes grew serious and focused on his drink rather than her melancholy expression.

"Thought you hated me." he muttered.  
Natalia met his eyes and she could feel hers watering with guilt.  
"I don't hate you. I might as well tell you this because I promised myself I would before the end of the year..." she took a deep breath.  
"I never had romantic feelings for Ivan. I used him to distract myself from you because I didn't want to hurt you... And I didn't want to get hurt, I guess." she mumbled.  
"Y-You love m-me?" Eduard asked. It all made sense, now that he could see it. She nodded, avoiding his eyes.

He tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at him.  
"I love you too, Natalia." he smiled. As they kissed, the bells rang out signalling 2002 had arrived.

Something told Eduard this was going to be a good year.

* * *

I am in love with this pairing. May this shitty and depressing fanfiction inspire you to write your own.

Chapter 1 language notes: Jumal= Estonian for God Pask= Estonian for shit

Chapter 2 language notes: Vy mnie abrydli= Belarusian for You disgust me

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW I WILL write more


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